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April 4, 2013 / austreberto

something’s not right (a realization) 2009 (day four)

I’m approaching four years when I first fell into depression.  It was a scary experience and I can look back proudly at myself with how I handled it.  I know I was extremely lucky because it was such a brief experience; I know of plenty of people who go through years of that kind of thing.  It’s rough, but it doesn’t make my experience any less valid.

So I have looked back to write about my experience, my realization of what was happening to me.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a response; what I did to change this.

 

something’s not right (a realization) 2009

 

i woke up

heavier than usual

slow footed

my body wanted to take its time

 

12:40 pm

 

my bed was there to hold me

like the sick days

and lazy evenings i had before

 

but i had no reason to stay this time around

 

i wasn’t sick

at least not physically

 

i had shit to do

but i didn’t care

 

i was comfortable

 

too comfortable

(if there is such a thing)

 

content with motionless

still footed

hibernation

and it was far from winter

 

ten more minutes

i would tell myself

hours ago

 

by the second day of this

the routine had settled in

 

and for the first time

i was truly afraid of myself

and what i was fully capable of not doing

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