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October 29, 2013 / austreberto

self doubt has become a much more common human condition these days part 2

This is “part 2” because the title comes from a poem that I wrote about (of the same subject matter), which can be read HERE.

This is sadly a growing mindset.  Or rather, this is a mindset that is revealing itself more and more the further along I go in my life.  I am constantly meeting new people and learning their backgrounds and what’s on their minds but am deeply sadden when I learn of a commonality that bonds us together.  It happens more often than it should even though it is a completely natural experience.  It is an experience that certainly can be beneficial when handled properly (builds character, puts hair on your chest, etc, etc, and etc).

One of the easiest things to experience is loneliness.  I’ve written about this before in regards to relationships (which can be seen HERE), but it goes far beyond than just a romantic sense.  It’s easy to feel like no one notices you, on multiple levels.  Unless you can read minds, you’ll never know about all the other people who are having the EXACT same thoughts as you are (it happens a lot more than you know).  If you could read minds, you could avoid A LOT of bullshit.  However, life would be SO fucking boring.  It’s the uncertainty and struggle that keeps things interesting and worthwhile when we’re successful.  No one would learn lessons otherwise.

But we’re alone with our thoughts until we give voice to them.  Many don’t, continuing the loneliness.

I’ve been alone with my thoughts for a long time.  It’s where the title of this blog came from actually.  it’s one of the reasons why I became so passionate about poetry and, even further, why I became passionate about sharing my thoughts (both in spoken word and this blog) so they are no longer unspoken.  I give voice to them.  They can be heard (or read, in this case).

One voice that I never really shared, with the exception of poetry and the occasional friend, is the voice of my self doubt.  I believe, even at my best, I am inadequate (did you read the link to the first poem?  Did ya? HUH?).  I have always felt alone with this.  I have always felt that everyone around me protrudes confidence with everything that they do and I am some sad sap who doesn’t even feel like he tied his shoes correctly (joke’s on you, I wear chacos/flip flops whenever possible.  Thank you Kentucky weather).  I feel like I am the only one experiencing this.

(Un)fortunately, I am proven wrong.

I am at a point in my life/self awareness/consciousness where I learn about people and where they come from.  I learn their stories.  All sorts of unique experiences that shape such beautiful souls.  I understand where they come from.  But.  Something that I have learned from a number of people, a majority, even, is that I am not alone.  I never was alone.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

It’s nice to know that I am not alone with this feeling.  It’s nice to know that I can turn to others because they have a similar insight but can offer their unique perspective.  Maybe they know/saw something that I could not.  It can certainly be something that brings people closer together.  Comrades (I feel slightly Russian whenever I use that word…).

But it makes me sad that so many people are experiencing this.

Self doubt is becoming a much more common human condition.

I’d even say that it is the human condition.  It is the norm.  Everyone feels this way.  Or everyone has the potential to feel this way and, like loneliness, it is extremely easy to fall into it.

Where did our confidence go?  Did we ever have it?

Sometimes, looking back at all my experiences (as far back as I am able to recollect), I feel like I never had confidence to begin with.  I never had it, but I developed it.  Learned from my struggles (some more than others).

Now I know, looking back, I have had it pretty easy.  The average American, like myself, knows NOTHING of struggle when compared to other civilizations (having a roof over my head, knowing when my next meal is, and not being afraid of death around every corner are commodities that most people take for granted).  But this can be a huge journey for every person.

Whatever you’re going through, I hope that this is a journey of success, wherever it may take you.  I hope you succeed.

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