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May 19, 2014 / austreberto

Where I am now versus where I want to be; a reflection

Where I am now versus where I want to be; a reflection

 

We’re big dreamers, you and I.

It’s why we get so easily frustrated in our lives.

We aim for the stars, though we’ve only landed on the moon; talks of Mars in the far future, and even then that’s light-years away (see what I did there?).

I look at my life.  The present.  I look back to the goals I had for myself from years back.  My to-do list has very little checked off from it even though I didn’t have much on it in the first place.  I am alive and well, which is half the battle; check.  I battle it every day.  I am healthy; check.  That’s the other half.  The other, other half (yes, three halves) is my goals; not check.

I know to be proud of my goals and where I have taken myself in my life.  Though I believe the hardest thing for me to really grasp is that I’ve never had a full vision of where I’d like to be in the future.  No real set goal for myself.  I’ve been going with the flow for however long now.

I have a lot of general concepts that appear to be appealing: have a family, have a lovely wife to have said family with, have a career, and have a corgi (the last one is very important).  They are vague, especially the career bit mostly because I have never envisioned what kind of job is right for me.

I went through my undergrad to be an English teacher.  I went through the whole process.  Jumped through every single hoop (most of them were on fire) and followed every single, tiny detail that was required of me (which if you are not a teacher or have no friends who are teachers, you have NO idea of what they put you through).  I even went through my student teaching experience; woke up at 5:30 am 5 days a week, drove 40 minutes a day to a classroom filled with bratty, spoiled, self entitled, and moody teenagers, though many of them were a delight.  At the time, I envisioned my future as an English teacher.   A little over two years later, I am not an English teacher.  If I were to tell my former self that I am not a teacher today, I would feel defeated.  I would think “what’s the point then?”  It’s exhausting to think about how much I have failed in my life.  At least this is based on my former goals.  When I look at the present, I feel pretty good.

I am entering the eve of my 10 year high school graduation, and I don’t feel like I have done enough with my life.  I still feel like I am in some form of transition.  Constantly working towards something to be constantly working towards another thing.  Looking too far ahead in the future.

I think the biggest thing, again, is my career, or lack of focus on a career.  I am extremely proud of my Master’s that I recently graduated with.  I know that it’s going to open up a lot of opportunities for me in my future.  Where that future is?  I have absolutely no idea.

I’m following some sort of road right now, but I don’t really think I know where it’s taking me right now.  Though I doubt I will ever know where it will take me.  That’s the exciting part.  This life has always been unpredictable.  Major decisions have come and gone that have brought nothing and life changing outcomes came from the tiniest of daily decisions.  I once met a girlfriend because I decided to go for a bike ride on a rainy day.   I almost turned around and I would have been none the wiser to my future.

Our futures are changing on a daily basis.  Hell, they are changing even faster than that.  It could be as simple as deciding where to go for the day to what you even wear.  It affects everything.  It’s one of those things that can really be mind blowing if you think about it hard enough.  Kind of like that feeling you get (or at least I get) when you look up at the stars and realize how insignificant you are in the universe.

I am scared and excited at the same time about my life, every day.  I am not where I’d like to be but I like where I am all the same.

I think it’s common to have such high expectations of ourselves.  To want to do so much.  We all have the potential in our lives and have absolutely no reason not to give 100% of ourselves in every single thing we do for ourselves and to others.  With such amazing potential, why not deliver?

You can settle for mediocre if you want, but imma be up in space from now on.

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