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April 25, 2015 / austreberto

brothers, lend me your whiskers (day twenty five)

brothers, lend me your whiskers

men
let us drop our razors and shaving cream canisters
our electric trimmers and scissors
let us boycott gillette
remington
and bic
that slaughter billions of innocent hair follicles
from wisdom filled greys to young stubble

picket signs in hand that read
fear the beard
beard lives matter
let it grow

yes let it grow
let it grow

no shave november
manliness cannot be contained to a single month
more like no shave all year round

no shave november
decembeard
janubeardy
and so on

though we wearers of the face huggers
built in scarves
doormats
catchers of food
and even peach fuzz bearers
we do possess the fountain of youth in our bathrooms
just give us a bit
and we’ll emerge younger
face of a teenager
baby faced
riddled with bits of bloodied toilet paper from dancing too close to that razor’s edge

and we will always feel so exposed
naked
self conscious

feels like everyone is staring
do i have something on my face
NO I DO NOT
THAT’S THE PROBLEM

i get separation anxiety on the days i try to part with the extension of myself
blade in hand
water running
feels like i’m killing a part of myself
social suicide

DO I SHAVE
ANSWER ME ALMIGHTY ZEUS WITH THAT SWEET SWEET BEARD OF YOURS

and that’s when i am answered by sarah mclachlan
with that song that goes
in the arms of an angel
and she says
for less than the price of a cup of coffee per day
you can save beards like this from being shaved and tossed aside in wastebaskets and bathroom drains

they’re scared and want to stay home

so please
think of the beards

WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BEARDS

y’all
the last time we had a president with any sort of facial hair was william howard taft back in 1913

let us bring back the goatee
the muttonchops
fu manchu
pancho villa
chin curtain
chinstrap
handlebar
and 5 o’clock shadows on all hours of the day

brothers
call upon the lumberjack from within to lay down their axes
to come back in style
so we can make this look good again

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