feathered steps
here we are again
at the crossroads within the crossroads of your decisions to make
most of which you are unsure of
in fact
the only thing you are sure of these days is how unsure you are of everything
would leave it up to the winds to carry you but there hasn’t been a breeze in years
but it’s really only been days
feels longer than that
feels longer when nothing happens
but nothing never not happens
you stood there in silence knowing both paths could lead you to greatness and failure at the same time
unsure of which one to take first
if it would be your last
but it would never be your last
another thing you were sure about was your stubbornness
that you would never stop trying
today marks the thousandth mistake you’ve made this year
and it’s only february
dropped a penny in a bottle each time it happened
and you ran out of bottles
bought yourself something to remind yourself you can have nice things and keep them too
your hands
tremble every time you come to decisions like this
you pointed
shaken
to the direction you wanted to go
but the winds picked up
and had something else in mind for you
as you became sure of something new
that you would be okay no matter where you went
pennies in bottles with every step you would take
spare change never felt so heavy after nearly thirty years of decisions
of mistakes
but you stopped noticing a long time ago
light footed
find a feeling
hold onto it
close
only let go if that feeling goes away
find a new one
hold onto it again
even closer
let it breathe
hold it tighter on the days you need it most
find a person who gives you that feeling
who won’t let go
who won’t give up
who lets you breathe
who holds you back because you give them the same feeling
some call it passion
others call it magic
whatever it is
it almost feels like heaven
when your fist connected with my jaw i knew i would never forget you
they say that we have more similarities than differences
you make that hard to believe on most days
once
we almost spoke the same language of hammer fists
to see who would swing harder
who would break first
you won
similarity number one
i wanted to stop counting after that because i was afraid of what else i would learn about myself with how far you would push me
don’t like being pushed
similarity number two
had to keep going because i like counting too much
similarity number three
which is where we began to separate
you counted down the next moment you got to snap over nothing
waiting for that excuse
i counted how many times i laughed at myself after our encounters
how many times i smiled after the long days
after the fear
the adrenaline rushes
after you never backed down from your threats
and i never showed you how scared i was
i was feeling it
but i would never tell you that
steel toed heart
now
these boots
they weren’t meant for walkin’
they were meant to kick down these doors and walls that were makin’ us feel claustrophobic
until we could say
look at all this openness we’ve created
big enough to spread our arms as wide as possible
and then a little bit more
wide enough to embrace the oceans and mountains we’ve wanted to see
but just out of reach of the love we wanted to have
no matter how hard we tried
small enough to hold onto ourselves
coming back home
remembering that it started and ended with us
but your story was one i hoped would never end
left your pages untouched
changed the end to to be continued
see you soon
but not soon enough
the tale of the ever elusive first job
you have prepared nearly your entire life for this moment
fine tuning your arsenal
at the ready
in one hand
your resume
that recently completed it 321st revision after finding a typo that seemed to have eluded you until now
in the other
your references
that needed an updating after half of them replied who when they were contacted
3 am
five cups of coffee deep
with eyes that won’t quit
you find fresh tracks
stillness is in the air
it’s nearby
furiously clicking away
uploading and submitting your application
you give off its calls to try to entice it to accept you
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
WELL ORGANIZED
CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS
PATIENT
where the HELL is this job
(okay
still working on that last one)
day 463 and still no luck
so you fine tune everything yet again because there is always something wrong with you
scattering resumes in every direction
in every place that can fit
rapid fire
left right
here and way over there
overseas and down the road
desperately calling out
HARD WORKER
DETERMINED
SOMETHING PICK ME
SOMEONE PLEASE PICK ME
just give me a chance
day 464
465
489
523
642
giving up
this was the moment you could never prepare for
you’re inexperienced
need more experience
not good enough
never good enough
you can’t be good enough
you’ve heard this enough
that you started believing in it
day 643
you heard the distant call of what you’ve been waiting for
couldn’t believe your eyes
what a beaut
you brushed off the dust that had gathered
laid your resumes nearby
handpicked the best references
and you laid in waiting for that perfect opportunity to come by
brothers, lend me your whiskers
men
let us drop our razors and shaving cream canisters
our electric trimmers and scissors
let us boycott gillette
remington
and bic
that slaughter billions of innocent hair follicles
from wisdom filled greys to young stubble
picket signs in hand that read
fear the beard
beard lives matter
let it grow
yes let it grow
let it grow
no shave november
manliness cannot be contained to a single month
more like no shave all year round
no shave november
decembeard
janubeardy
and so on
though we wearers of the face huggers
built in scarves
doormats
catchers of food
and even peach fuzz bearers
we do possess the fountain of youth in our bathrooms
just give us a bit
and we’ll emerge younger
face of a teenager
baby faced
riddled with bits of bloodied toilet paper from dancing too close to that razor’s edge
and we will always feel so exposed
naked
self conscious
feels like everyone is staring
do i have something on my face
NO I DO NOT
THAT’S THE PROBLEM
i get separation anxiety on the days i try to part with the extension of myself
blade in hand
water running
feels like i’m killing a part of myself
social suicide
DO I SHAVE
ANSWER ME ALMIGHTY ZEUS WITH THAT SWEET SWEET BEARD OF YOURS
and that’s when i am answered by sarah mclachlan
with that song that goes
in the arms of an angel
and she says
for less than the price of a cup of coffee per day
you can save beards like this from being shaved and tossed aside in wastebaskets and bathroom drains
they’re scared and want to stay home
so please
think of the beards
WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BEARDS
y’all
the last time we had a president with any sort of facial hair was william howard taft back in 1913
let us bring back the goatee
the muttonchops
fu manchu
pancho villa
chin curtain
chinstrap
handlebar
and 5 o’clock shadows on all hours of the day
brothers
call upon the lumberjack from within to lay down their axes
to come back in style
so we can make this look good again
i fell in love with the curves of her question marks
how they fit perfectly with the concave sections of my bones
me made feel whole again
and she always asked the right ones
the kind of questions that questioned what I questioned
the kind they would normally keep me up at night
but i felt comfort in knowing that she held my bones just right
kept me safe
and i slept with comfort while i stayed in bed that sat on the earth that spun hundreds of miles an hour that simultaneously rotated around the sun that traversed through the universe that is probably being swallowed by a black hole but not before the sun exploded
yes
i slept just fine
proper etiquette to have when you run into an ex
when you see each other from across the room where happenstance brought you together
not unlike the first time you met each other
so random that it made you believe in fate
pure chance
you have become different people the second time around
beyond strangers
but no longer familiar
this is not the same person that i fell in love with
this does not serve as an opportunity to remind each other of what went so wrong
or why you weren’t right for each other in the first place
let those facts simply be
hold your tongue
unlike all the times you didn’t back then
back and forth of having the final say
the thing you had most in common back then
was your unwillingness to back down
to give up
stubbornness
bullheaded
until it came to each other
then you did give up
that was the easy part
the hard part was committing to the silence
which she had some trouble adjusting to despite it being her idea in the first place
wouldn’t let go after letting go
you arrived to the same location once again
because life is funny like that
but you forgot to laugh
still feeling the sting of separation and the terms you left on
a brief glance
eye contact
maybe a smile
acknowledging the presence of someone once so close
remembering the better times
wanted to leave it at just that
but she wouldn’t leave it at just that
that moment
condensed every argument
every bickering
and pettiness
over the span of months
into seconds
a concentrated sucker punch
and she knew how to make it hurt
knew how to make you hurt
remembered your weak points from all the times you opened up to her
couldn’t get a word in edgewise from the interr
interrup
int
interrupt
she kept cutting you off
and you walked away
different people yet again
reminded of why it wasn’t right in the first place yet again
you just hoped that life would stop trying to be so funny
and take you seriously for once
dear pup
when they first got you
the child wondered if there was place for you in the afterlife
though you were already an angel to them
and you wondered the same thing about her
but not after years of love
of making bad days better
and okay days the best
by her side
every night
and she would return the favor
on the stormy nights
kept you safe
a little closer after the thunder
what you can do with all that hope
go where you got it from in the first place
on sale
half off
buy one get one free
blue light special
black friday
act fast
but wait
there’s more
and exchange it for a little bit of elbow grease
a little bit of traction under your soles and under your soul
some momentum in your actions
some conviction in your purpose
some spark behind your adrenaline
some realization behind your control
because you have so much of it
you
you have face so much
it’s why it’s so hard for you to look back
leaving those hard times in the dust
eat my dirt
kiss my ass
sayonara
peace out
i’ll call you some time
(i’m not going to call)
because you left that all behind
because of you
you gave up all that hope behind your wishes
started giving a shit for once
you stood up
took your first steps forward
and saw the progress to be had when you tried
and it felt good
unspoken thoughts 